A year of being nullified, in review [CW: explicit discussion of sex and anatomy]

In May of last year, I got gender-affirming surgery, in the form of nullification. The self-actualization is fairly obvious—I nullified my name by then already, and have professed non-sexed, non-gendered inclinations for years prior. From complicated anatomical loathing, to an affinity to the inorganic, to an irrational draw to neutrality and balance, I knew for years I would get this eventually. In some ways, I knew even before I knew. Then one day, I found myself researching surgeons, and before I new it I was in California being carted out of an operating room, sans genitalia.

I've talked before about the shenanigans immediately following. I won't dive back into that, but you can review (or view if you missed last time) it here [NSFW/NSFL]. That's sort of it's own (related) project, and my aim here is to focus on 'being nullified'.

So yeah. Healing was kind of a breeze; I was up and moving around the next day, and playing dance games again within the month. There were two distinct quirks that I identified in that early healing period:

The first, was a mild incontinence—I couldn't make the 40-minute drive to my post-op checkup without pulling to the shoulder on a busy segment of California highway and squatting behind an opened passenger door to relieve myself (in ways I cannot easily explain, this was the most gender-affirming piss of my life). I've done this a few other times since then, to similar satisfaction, but not with as much urgency or frequency.

The second, was what I affectionately referred to as my "superpower"—where my body would turn pain into pleasure. I don't mean in a masochistic sense (I already do that), I mean if you hit me in the arm, it would send electrical signals to my 'clit'. In fact, you wouldn't even need to touch me—even a startle sends a zap downstairs. At one point, the girlfriend I was staying with made her wife yelp, and I felt it. Sadly, this sensation faded over the months until it no longer became discernible.

As a bonus element, in the first few weeks after surgery, I had to wear panty liners to catch any bleeding or discharge. That was a bit surreal—I certainly wasn't going for 'vagina' with this op, but I enjoyed the genderfuckery of it regardless.

So back to the 'clit' thing—I got a 'nerve preserving' nullification, and kept a nice sensitive bundle of nerves embedded in an unmarked spot in my groin. It's a bit contradictory, at a glance—getting almost everything removed in a radical de-sexing, then mapping whatever's left to some of the very things I got away from. To put it simply, I know what i'm about—I'm comfortable and confident in myself, my body, my identity—and once again simply enjoy the fuckery of it. I have a clit, I have a dick, and yet I obviously have neither. In fact, I claim several of each, depending on the context. Yet, I clearly have nothing.

So, the 'dick'. I have some erectile tissue around my urethra. No one knows what to call this thing. It's bulbospongiosus muscle, and thus I think the most correct term is the "bulb", but amongst my null friends "root" is more common. It's sort of sensitive, it gets hard when I get aroused, and at least one person has made an attempt to jerk it off.

By my other counts, I claim a second 'dick' that's an unattached (and at time of writing, yet-unflinished) dildo, cast from my former one, and containing a fragment of the same. I've asserted as many as three clits, in the style of the Earth's poles—a grid clit, a magnetic clit, and a true clit—the true one being the actual nerves, the grid one being my rosy knotted scar (which I'm told looks like a clit), and a magnet implant (which at time of writing is awaiting its third install attempt).

Now, a year later—how does this affect my life?

Perhaps most prominently, my confidence has reached new heights. In ways I'd never known before, I feel comfort in my own body—being in it, looking at it, showing it off... I've shed my shame, and (in appropriate contexts) embrace and enjoy nudity, displaying my body and my accomplishments. I proudly wear little to nothing to most kink events, and more recently have been publishing pornographic content showcasing my uncommon anatomy and presentation. Yet even clothed in the day-to-day, I feel so much more myself, and I think it shows, even to those who don't know what I have (or don't have) downstairs.

Fairly obviously, I pee sitting now, and blot dry. I hear I lucked out with a reasonably straight stream—some others I've talked to have described a "permanent fan setting" I seem to have dodged. If I angle correctly and hold things a certain way, I can actually get a good bit of distance standing, though this is prone to mess-making and I don't usually attempt it in public settings.

Sexual encounters have been their own adventures. It's like I've had to re-learn how to have sex. Which is really quite exciting! Learning how my body works all over again with help of intimate partners is a special experience. My (primarily trans) sex partners receive the challenge predominantly with fascination and intrigue.

I love receiving oral, the pressure of a tongue stimulates my 'clit' perfectly. Oral on the bulb/root is nice, in smaller quantities too, but it seems to welcome (oddly gender-affirming??) UTIs if not careful (I sometimes take shots of cranberry juice before getting into things). Cis men have a pattern of humping the area—which is pleasant and makes for a nice position, but lacks the precision of oral. Pressure being a large part of what does it for me, scissoring has been a wonderful (and affirming!) part of my sex life. Pressing and grinding groins with someone else (of any genital configuration—I've had such encounters with a few now) is sweaty and intimate and satisfying.

As rewarding and fulfilling as my sexual connections have been, there's one thing that's been missing... orgasm. I haven't found it yet. With others or by myself, I've only barely even gotten anywhere near close. It takes a lot of attention and precise touching to feel like I'm even 'building meter', and even after so long of healing, I get worn out and sore before I seem to get very far. I admit I've not put a huge amount of dedicated effort into it—there is so much I haven't explored.

I am still constantly learning about my body, both on my own and with others. It has been a fun and affirming ride... and there are more mods yet to come! The magnet I will get to stick one of these days. I have some fun toy ideas in the pipeline. I have some piercings in mind. My body is in constant evolution, and I am excited to be able to experience and share it as it is today, and as it will be tomorrow.