I got my tongue split yesterday—it got me reflecting.

An aesthetic oral surgery, thought by many to be a rather extreme body mod. Reading through anecdotes, many who have had it seem to place it as the most painful mod they've ever had done, with several citing 9/10 pain over the first few days. One friend has said of the procedure, "as a biohacker, it sucks", and notes it as the only mod they would hesitate to recommend.

And yet, almost none of these cases have regretted it. Most love the result, and find that the pain they endured to get it was well worth it. They wanted something, and they pursued it, knowing the costs.

This 'mind-over-matter' motif is not uncommon amongst body mod enthusiasts. The pain, the sacrifice—all makes the reward greater. Some even describe the exchange as spiritual—language I myself am warming to, with a secular interpretation.

I've grown to like pain. It can be intimate, it can be intense. It can be the cost, or it can be its own reward—the Vivivivisection project is in part a celebration of being a painslut for either. I don't wish this exercise to be confused with self-harm—I've been there, and this is done from a very different place. It's also often better, when not done by myself—I've formed some intimate connections with others around pain over the past months, and had eye-opening experiences with them, unlike any I've felt before.

I've never felt this way before. I've never felt this way before.

I feel so connected to myself. As though my body and my feelings are in sync for the first time. I'm experiencing so deeply; feeling intensity and passions, internally but also through exchange with others, in an intimate way I've never known—not like this.

I feel a bit overwhelmed. It's so much, a bit daunting, and yet inviting—I've unlocked an entire direction of self-exploration and expression—something I can pour my heart into, and feel whole.

I feel, 'oddly satisfied'? I don't know how, but so many of these themes have been present in my life for as long as I can remember, subtly influencing my decisions, my actions. Suddenly it feels like these identifying elements are converging; everything is fitting snugly into place, and it all makes sense.

Identity-affirming body hacking. Cybernetic body hacking. Strictly hedonic body hacking.

Acknowledgement and acceptance and indulgence in what these meant to me has opened the floodgates on all sort of forms of self-actualization—body mods and otherwise. Nothing about pursuing my truest self really feels off-limits anymore, and it's so incredibly liberating.

My tongue still hurts. It will for a few days now. I have a newfound appreciation for the tongue, and all the microactions it aids with on the daily.

I like to say about some things, that "you don't truly know something until you've taken it apart". This was intended for inorganic machines—a laptop, a bike, an espresso machine, a popcorn popper. But that's really all vivisection is. And basically what Vivivivisection is.