Because my sex wasn't already weird enough.

Remnants of my removed genitals had been dried and sitting on a shelf for almost two years now. If you know anything about me, you probably know what I did with most of it. I retained a large part of the 'head'—the other 'half' of my 'clit', if you prefer—with intention of building it into a sex toy. I do still mean to do this, but while stalled a separate opportunity presented itself to me…

Last month was Grindfest, a grinder/biohacker/bodymod meetup I hold dear. The most important annual event for development, installation, celebration of chip and magnet implants and other body hacks. It was my third year in attendence. While interpersonally my most complicated one, it was also my most focused, and dedicated to a single task:

I wanted to to implant part of my removed genitals into my hand.

But… why? The tissue would never wire up to my nerves. I wouldn't get any physical stimulation out of it (beyond the feeling of a small lump under my skin). No, the draw is psychological—philosophical, even. I love sex, and even more do I love questioning sex. The simplest form of sex, at its core involves inserting genitals into an orifice. If my genitals were in my finger, and I put said finger in a cutie's mouth, I would be putting my genitals in their mouth. The absurdity, but simplicity excited me the moment the idea occurred to me.

So, how would I make this a reality? First, there was the question of tissue longevity. My bits were already preserved in formalin, then flushed out with water and vinegar several times, and dried. This left the petrified-looking chunk I'd had sitting in a bag inside of a bag next to my sex toys, waiting for a project.

I have no clue if this would hold in this form for decades to come. To be sure, I looked up a procedure for clearing and paraffin embedding. Using what I had on hand or could source easily on short notice, I laid out a protocol using varying concentrations of isopropanol, mineral spirits as a clearing agent, and paraffin wax.

...it didn't really work. Hours of soaking, in water or alcohol, did not soften the samples. I dunked it a few extra times to be sure, but it wasn't clearing, and I abandoned the paraffin. I'd have to work with what I had.

So I rolled with it. I broke off some small pieces of genital tissue and bagged up a number of them to take with me to the moutains in California for some novel and radical phallomancy.

They say every year at Grindfest that they want to do encapsulations. In my time going, I've never seen it. But my persistence in getting things moving, paired with a learned hand (thank you Fraz) ready to help me out, got the process underway. Usually it's for practical things, like magnets. I just had a weird art project—I wasn't sure how it would even be received (from what I hear, better than I expected). "It's all art", I was assured (thanks again, Fraz).

My samples were small enough that they fit in existing molds meant for magnets. If we had to print new ones, it probably wouldn't have happened.

The encapsulating material is a two-part bio-safe medical epoxy they've been playing with. With bits of bits trimmed to a more regular size and shape, we cast several pieces and let them cure under pressure overnight.

After a second pour and cure, the units had to be polished. I stood there for hours, rubbing my dick with sandpaper.

After strokin' it

When thought sufficient, my shiny bits of glans were sterilized in hich-concentration hydrogen peroxide.

Not the first time I've been sterilized

We started with seven pieces. One was lost to the lab. Three had critical flaws—too unevenly ecapsulated, large bubbles that can't be worked around, etc. Three survivors were sent into the procedure room to be installed.

Dealer's choice: my installer (thank you Cassox) picked his favorite, and cut into me for the strangest install of the weekend.

The jokes were endless:

• "This may be the only dick I'm getting this weekend, but it's plenty satisfying."
• "You just put a penis inside of me—I'll count it if you do."
• "'Digital Penetration' takes on a whole new meaning!"

After two insertions (it didn't fit the first time), we had finished. My genitals were in my hand!

Is this lewd, or just rude?

So… now what? This is the fun part: I don't even know all the implications of this. Some questions were clear immediately: Is finger-in-mouth a blowjob? Is a handjob frotting? These are the questions I get off on. This is an exercise of radical body modification rooted in pursuit of profound, transgressive sexual connection, questioning the boundaries of what constitutes sex and blurring its form. It is intended to be challenging, and I welcome the questions it raises as its own sexual experience. More have already since come up: This is the finger I press against my nullclit to masturbate—is this then 'autofrottage'? And one for myself: If the implant rejects, is it a failure, or an affirmation? That my body was rid of it once, and might purge it again.

Abstract self-suck by a trans it on transit

At time of writing, I'm still being careful with the finger. But I generally heal well and have high hopes for it sticking around. I'm excited to share my increasingly confusing body with others sexually. I hope I can connect with people through sex, not just in novel physical ways, but also intellectual ones. I look forward to breaking sex, and enjoying the pieces with whomever joins me in it.

Happy pride month.